Your questions aren't too big for God

I have a confession. For the past three months or so, my faith has been on the rocks.

I’m not exactly sure how to express the significance of what this means for me because faith is a key part of my identity. Being raised going to church, faith has been a part of my entire life. It became my own when I was 11 and accepted Christ as my personal Savior. I have based many influential life decisions on my Christian faith. My college major, where to move, relationships, what job to take. My entire world is based on the idea that there is a God in control, Jesus died for my sins, and having a relationship with Jesus is the key to having peace, joy, and fulfillment.

As I write out the statements above, I don’t doubt them. But a few months ago, I listened to a podcast that criticized the Christian church for a variety of valid reasons. Their reasons included the cliqueness of Christian groups, homophobia in certain church settings, strict gender roles, etc. These are concerns with the church that I have also had throughout my life. They aren’t new to me. But over the past few months the criticisms and doubts have become so loud in my brain, they seemed to be all consuming. I’ve been exhausted doing mental gymnastics in my head, asking the same questions to myself and God over and over and feeling like every answer I get isn’t good enough. 

It started to feel like God was an ex-boyfriend. Someone I used to love and know so personally, but a stranger to me now. Maybe I’ve changed, or maybe God has? Maybe He was never who I thought He was at all. Every time I tried to open my Bible I would weep because I was so tired of it not making sense. What if God is homophobic and sexist? How can I trust Him? And then my walls went up. I stopped trying to get answers and started distancing myself from God.

 

It was weird because it’s not that I didn’t believe in God. I absolutely know with 100% certainty that He exists. That has never really been a question to me. But what was happening for me was that I stopped trusting God. I stopped believing He was good and that He wants what’s best for His children. I didn’t understand how a church that is supposed to be good could cause so much hurt to so many people.

 

I lived my life without Jesus completely for a few weeks. I called it a ~cleanse~. I didn’t go to church, stopped reading my Bible, praying, or listening to worship music. I told myself I needed to tune out God and recenter myself on who I am independently. I was going to try this new mindset and see how it went. Some days it was honestly nice to not care about anything. The questions in the back of my head were quieter. But I noticed I started being short and meaner to the people closest to me, having no motivation to get through my workday, and feeling more anxious than normal about my friendships. It honestly makes sense though. If God is the source of love, peace, joy, self-control, and kindness, it makes sense that I would lose some of that when I stopped connecting with Him. 

I began to realize that a “life without God” is impossible. God is always present and within me whether I like it or not. It’s my choice whether or not to engage with Him. I quickly observed that the decision to not engage with Him brought with it more heartache than peace. I felt empty, without a purpose, and just a little more alone. I missed my friend Jesus. I saw goodness all around me and didn’t have anyone to thank. I missed the person I was when I was connected with God. With Him, I receive love, grace, and mercy, therefore, I have more love, grace, and mercy to give to others. 

 

After a few weeks of no Jesus my heart was so desperate for Him I knew I needed answers to my questions. I had felt so discouraged in my faith but found that a confused and questioning faith is better than none at all. So, I kept pushing. I would beg God in my car before church “just show me something today so I know you’re real”. And here’s the best part!!!! Every. Single. Time. I say that prayer, He shows up. In a worship song that expresses exactly how I feel, in a Bible verse that I see in a new way for the first time, in a friend who loves so intentionally, in a book that brings an answer. He shows up when you make room for Him. Our God is a god of consent. He is consistently there, but He doesn’t push Himself on you. He shows up when you ask Him to. He shows up when you say yes to Him.

 

When it was too hard to read something new in my Bible I would write Psalm 51:10-12 in my journal over and over again. It has become my prayer for this season. 

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, 

And renew a right spirit in me. 

Cast me not away from your presence, 

And take not your Holy Spirit from me. 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, 

And uphold me with a willing spirit.”

 

As I got ready this morning and was asking the Lord my recurring list of questions, I heard Him say to me very clearly Your questions aren’t too big for me. I want you to know if you’re feeling doubts or you’re not sure about the whole God thing, you’re not alone and you’re not a “bad Christian” for having valid questions. There is space for your concerns, doubts, and need for explanations. Your questions aren’t too big for God. God loves clarity and He doesn’t want you to be confused. He wants you to understand Him and know Him. 

Do I suddenly have all the answers to really difficult questions? No! And it’s really frustrating sometimes! But I do believe that there are answers. I have hope that the Lord will continue to reveal Himself to me and other believers in time if we pursue Him.

 

At the end of the day, even when questions go unanswered, I’ve known, seen, and encountered the beauty of who Jesus is and that's why I stay and continue seeking. Every good thing comes from Him. One thing I know for sure is that He is real and He is good.